sentenced to life with love

what has come to pass
is the past breaking the hold of the future
we have chosen to hold onto the regrets and pain
the hurt feelings, the doubts
only to have those same possessions
lead us to separate paths

i love her
she loves me
but together we are selfishly in love with no one
not even ourselves
i mean she and i both cannot hold onto the ties that bind
we have to let go to move on

move on
move on
move
to where though
to a life held in contradiction
a life with emotional conflict
children who only see one another on vacation days
a husband and wife who only see one another
as key holders to a life lived over 3000 miles of separation
a marriage that exists only in the hearts and minds of a paper contract

i love her i tell myself
i cant deny her anything
nor would i want to
but in order for me to survive
i have to put my love for her aside
i have to hide her in the inner folds of my heart and soul
so that i wont cry every night that i cannot hold her close
does she think of me that way my heart asks
is she also alone
still hoping for me to tell her it will be ok

each time i see her
i want to hold her
but i punish my heart by not allowing
that closeness, that intimacy

in a little more than 72 hours
she will be gone
taking along with her my heart
i have loved her for four years of joy and pain
i have admitted to myself that ive loved her for most of the time ive been with her
but im a doubting fool when it comes to love

i have never loved or felt that i was loved
so loving and being loved
are forgein to me
a year is now looking like a jail bid
agony
regret
freedom
breathing room
reflection time
i can be the one serving the time
or the one outside
conflicted on whether to stay solid with her
or grab freedom by the hair and ride that bitch till she dies

my heart lies in her arms
in the comfort of her voice
home is the release of her flesh
lying tied together
not moving, just laying
painting the future and the present
in each breath

i cant think these thoughts when im behind bars
they wont help me survive
but im aided by these memories
as i strive to move forward

because i doubt im moving on
i love her too much, i love me too much
to lose her is to lose me
she is the balance of my life
i have never been so much in love
or filled with love
nor have i experienced pain
that tasted soo sweet
that i wanted to consume more of it

i laugh at my audacity to push her away
when i want her to stay
but i have this bid to do
and she has her bid to do
so we must put those memories
out of reach for fear that they will make us weak

I LOVE HER...a sentence of life is easy to do with her....